With a pinch of Lavender

Thesis Segment Three

December 13, 2009
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We got up early in the late spring to pick berries in Lincolnville. My mother paid twenty dollars for a pallet of berry baskets. My mother told us that everybody eats about a bucket of dirt in their lifetime, so a little fertilized soil on the berries wasn’t going to hurt us. Beatrix was the littlest, so she got to ride in the backpack, her head covered by a flowery hat. My mother would hand her the smaller berries, so she wouldn’t choke. She would squeeze them before putting them in her mouth. My mother’s long hair would have seeds in it all day. Beatrix’s face was gummy and red. The raspberries were the best, when my mother found a farm that bred pricker-less ones, the berries grew fatter, and they squished in our fingers. The juice reached our elbows by the end of the morning. The farmers never charged us for the berries we ate, mostly because my mother would talk to them about what kind of tractors they used, and where they got their manure from. She used to be a farmer, she told us, after college, and before she married my father.  When we got home from berry picking, my mother made us all take off the clothes we were wearing. We would change and she would pour boiling water all over our clothes. She said it was the only thing to get berry stains out. It didn’t work for any other stains, like jam.

On the days my mother made jam, we weren’t allowed in the kitchen. There were too many things to burn ourselves on. She said that. One time I snuck in, keeping low below the counter. She was boiling the jars in one pan, and the cut up fruit and sugar in the other. I watched as she pulled the jars out of the boiling water with the barbecue tongs, and set them up on the old stained dish towels. Then she ladled the hot berry mush in, trying not to spill. I put my hand into the open bag of sugar. She didn’t see me, because she was trying not to burn herself through the oven mitt. I put the sugar in my mouth, but it was wriggling. Over my forearm crawled black ants. I must have made a noise, because my mother looked at me, the bag of sugar, and my arm sticking out of it. “Spit it out.”

I spat ants on the counter, and their brothers ran down my arm to meet them. My mother picked up the bag and threw it through the door. It landed in the sandbox. She brushed me off, and the counter. “Are you ok?” She asked while she pushed my hair back on my forehead like when I was sick. I nodded.

“I swallowed some.”

“I’m sorry sweetie.” She kissed the top of my head. “I’ve got to finish this before it burns. You sure you’re ok?” She turned the burners down to settle the jam. She called it a rolling boil, the kind where it hasn’t boiled over yet, but you can’t stir it, and it won’t stop unless you leave it alone for a long time. It can burn you easily if you aren’t careful.

My mother was careful. She finished the batch, screwed on the lids and flipped the jars to cool. When the ant bodies floated, she stirred them back in, called them seeds. “They’re full of protein.” “They’re good for you.” “You know, in a lot of cultures people eat bugs, because of the protein.”

Chester and I ate ants. We did experiments. The red ones were salty and spicy, and the black ones were sweet. We ate them like sunflower seeds; we bit their bodies and sucked out their insides, spitting the shells. We trapped ants from the hills in the yard, and the ones that came out from between the bricks of the kitchen door walkway. We caught them and took them to the tangled apple trees between the hill and the pond, far behind the house. It was shaded and a stream ran though the roots. We sat under the trees and ate the ants, and when we were done we poured vinegar on the hills, to keep them from telling their neighbors. We took our sandwiches under the trees on hot days when my mother said the sun would spoil mayonnaise. It was cool and covered, our fort, with our feet in the stream, the cold water freezing our toes even in August.

We were barefoot. Our feet were tough, our mother told us not to wear shoes when we could. When she and my father brought home baby Beatrix, they didn’t put shoes on her. Relatives always buy baby shoes, but babies don’t need shoes. My mother wanted our feet to be tough. She told us that she once walked over broken glass, and she didn’t feel it, it didn’t cut her. The beaches in Havret were made of rocks. The sand was hard, sharp, and grey. The beaches reached the woods, or the road, or the dirt. Flowers grew near beaches. The nicer ones had sand trucked in for the whiteness. It didn’t last, and every year a new truckload came, and filled the air with sandy dust. Out-of-staters didn’t know about the beaches. They brought towels and flip flops that did’t stand up to punctures. In the postcards that tourists sent their families, the beaches looked soft and warm. My mother said in the southern parts of the state, August was hot, and their sand was white. In midcoast, the wind came off the water, which was breezy until chilled and wet skin met it after a swim.

My mother used to be one of the tourists with the cut feet. She and her family summered. My grandmother lived in Connecticut. My mother drove us down, all eight hours, to see our grandmother, and to become more cultured. Once we got to go to New York to see a ballet.  We pulled into the driveway late. The car was hot, even with the windows open, and Charlie the dog panted wet breath on our necks. Chester was already asleep, and my mother had to carry him and Beatrix inside. My grandmother had fallen asleep on the sofa in the living room with the lights still on. When we came in through the front door, she straightened her hair and gave me a kiss. There were cookies on the kitchen table. I snuck one while my mother was putting Chester into a bed and my grandmother was looking for a spare toothbrush. We never remembered our toothbrushes. The cookies were old, and tiny brown moths flew out of the box when I opened it. My grandmother gave me a toothbrush, and my mother brought my bag into the room. I climbed into the tall twin bed, Chester sleeping with his mouth open a few feet away. The sheets were stiff and the tiny bb’s I felt near my feet were probably mouse poops. I went to sleep listening to my mother sing Beatrix to sleep in the pink room down the hall.

My mother was giving Chester a bath when I woke up. His sheets were wet, the little blue flowers on them shiny, piled up at the foot of the bed. I went to the kitchen, excited because my grandmother let us have more than seven grams of sugar per serving cereals. Chester liked the kind that was supposed to taste like waffles, I preferred the kind that were Rice Krispy Treats that you were supposed to eat like cereal. My grandmother had some left from the summer before, but they tasted good stale. I got one of the bowls that was shaped like a melon-half, and poured my cereal into it.
“I thought your mom got theatre tickets.” My grandmother got up to pour herself more coffee. “Your uncle said he got them for her.” She said as she stirred her coffee. I ate my breakfast while my grandmother made plans to tee off at noon. I asked what we should look for. “Look for bridges. Bridges can tell you a lot.” My grandmother lit a Now 100. “Bridges are built for the people, you know, your grandfather is an architect, that’s a lot like building bridges.” She opened the because my mother didn’t like it when she smoked in the house when we were around. “You know lots of men die when they build bridges? Lots of Irish men, your father is part Irish, any of his relatives build bridges?” I shook my head. “Well that’s good, I like the Irish. I suppose you look a bit Irish, with your freckles. Your sister, now she looks Irish, reddish hair and all. You’re one of those, what’s it called, black Irish? With those dark eyes and hair. Must be.”  My grandmother took a sip of her coffee. But you know that bridges, they’re important, you know they help people get places, you should go see the bridge, elephants have crossed the bridge and my own grandson has never been there jesus shit.” My grandmother plucked a dead leaf from one of the plants on the window sill.

“Why were elephants on the bridge?”

“Nobody told you that one?” I shook my head. “See, there was this woman, and she starts screaming on the bridge right? And everyone thinks she died or something, so they all start running. Well wouldn’t you know, they crushed a whole mess of people, and a bunch of them died. So nobody uses the bridge for a while, because they think it’s not safe anymore. Then there’s this man who owns the circus, and he decides, I’ve got elephants, why don’t I walk them across? So he does, all twenty one of them, nice as you please, just strolling over the bridge. Fantastic.  My grandmother got to see, that was before my mother was born you see. Just fantastic.”  My grandmother put out her cigarette, and I carried my bowl of milk to the sink. Chester walked over to my chair in a big pink bath towel. My mother brought in his clothes, leading a sleepy Beatrix still in her nightgown, my mother’s front wet and soapy. Chester sat at the low stool, his tangled brown hair dripping into his cereal. Beatrix wanted oatmeal, she was three, too little for much sugar, so she thought maple brown sugar oatmeal was sweet.

We got off the train at Grand Central. My mother told us to look at the ceiling, see the constellations. She took us by the hands, I held onto Chester, as we crossed the big floor, still looking at the painted sky. We walked to the theatre; my mother called it a matinee. She told us we were really lucky. “This is something you can tell your kids about. You got to go to the ballet and see famous ballerinas. This is special.” She squeezed our knees. We were early, and there weren’t too many filled seats. She made us dress up. She said that no one dressed up for theatre anymore, and that was too bad, because it’s so exceptional, and dressing nice meant we were respecting it. I hated it. I wanted to see the bridge, or go to the place with the tiny turtles. Chester and I had to wear ties, but Beatrix got to wear her old purple tutu. My mother said this was important for us all, just watch them.

When it was dark and the music started, I tried to pay attention. “Why aren’t they talking?” I asked. My blazer was hot.

“This is a ballet, they don’t talk, and their dancing says everything.” My mother whispered back. It didn’t. They danced, I thought a few times that a few would fall, which would make it much more interesting. I liked the parts when they ran in their ballet shoes. They looked like ducks. I just kept hoping one of them would trip over their shoes. My mother told me earlier that their shoes are full of wood. I wanted them to slap the stage, which they did, but there was no sound. Chester liked it. He kept asking if I saw the jumps. All the way back to my grandmother’s house, he talked about the jumps.

“He’s jumped so high! I bet I could jump that high!”

“I bet you could too sweetie! You’ve got my long legs.” My mother beamed. Chester was going to beat me at being ‘well rounded.’

“I’m going to show you, look how high I can jump!” Chester leaped off his chair, and continued leaping across the large dining room.

“Later Chester, we’re eating.” My grandmother said with her mouth full, a hand held up to shield her chewed steak. He sat down, eating his macaroni and cheese. At my grandmother’s house, the adults ate adult food, and the children ate children food. Beatrix had the orange cheese on her tutu, and her face, and in her strawberry blonde curls. She was mostly asleep, her hand clutching a fork, her wrist in the macaroni. Chester finished, and leaped his empty plate into the kitchen. He slipped, because my grandmother made him wear socks indoors. My mother took him upstairs to wipe the blood off his nose.

“Your uncle used to get the worst nosebleeds.” My grandmother said. Beatrix was asleep, her head rolling against the chair back.

“Which uncle?” I asked, my grandmother had two sons.

“Your uncle Gregory. He used to get the worst nose bleeds, and it wouldn’t stop. I hope your mother is holding his head back, that makes the blood go down the throat. That’s the best way.”

“Did you eat blood?” I asked Chester when we were in our beds.

“A lot.” He smiled.

“Was it gross?”

“It tasted like nose-run.”


“And blood. There was a lot.” Chester still had a tissue in his nose. He told my mother that it might start again, he could feel it.

Beatrix was in the bath. She was screaming. Beatrix had a bad habit of getting messier when she was tired, and that was no time for a bath. Chester was fairly consistently messy, while I thought of myself as pretty clean. My mother didn’t agree. She didn’t like it when I kept dead fish in my pockets. I only kept minnows in my pockets. She said that was disgusting.

Beatrix was getting toweled off, her whimpering alternately muffled by my mother’s ruffling of her short, previously cheesy hair. Chester pulled the tissue out of his nostrils. “See, it’s still bleeding.” He reached the tissue towards my face in the dark.


“I bet I can jump like that guy today.” Chester said as he stuffed the tissue back up his nose.


“You think so?” Chester leaned his fluffy head towards me.

“Yeah, but then you’d have to be in a ballet class. They don’t have ballet for boys in Havret.”

“Says who?”

“Well, Beatrix’s friends moms are talking about sending their kids to the little kids ballet class. And mom made us take that modern movement class last summer.”

“That was fun, I liked the part where we painted the cardboard windows.”

“Yeah, me too. But you didn’t see any ballerina boys there did you?”


“Plus, you don’t want them to cut off your penis do you?” My mother called it castration.

“Why would they do that?”

“You saw that man today, did you see his penis?”

“Mom said he was wearing a cup.” Chester said slowly.

“Yeah, they put a cup down your tights, like the kind you drink out of, but it’s cut in half, they think it looks better.”

“That’s not true. Mom said that man today had five kids.” Chester looked at the tissue again.

“Yeah, from before he was a ballerina. Before they cut his penis off.” It was the only thing that could possibly make sense. Then Chester called for my mother and she told him that no one was going to cut off his penis, so just go to sleep.



October 9, 2008
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“The special today is salmon in a buttery dill sauce with caramelized beets and rice.”
“I’ll have the lamb.”

“I guess I’ll have… the chicken.”

Greta pirouetted to the kitchen. Jan didn’t like her. He told her to get her shit and go back out. She sipped a coke crouching under the counter. Then she was up, prancing back to table five to refill their waters. Greta poured into the glasses while turning the pitcher, so the ice didn’t splash into the glass and get her shirt wet. She smiled her stage smile and stepped to table seven asking how the food was. Then backstage to the kitchen to retie her apron and check her lipstick. Her bun was tight, her shoes were clean. Jan, the evil overlord gloomed under the lights and over the grill. Greta dinged the bell for fun, and backed through the doors with soups for table six.

* * *

Cecile and Abner Stoddard sat next to the window. Cecile checked herself in the reflection of the nighttime windowpane. Abner put his reading glasses on, cleaned them, re put them on, raised his eyebrows. Cecile looked around. Two people had tuna, one had salmon, three people had chicken, two were obviously vegetarians, and one had the beef. A smiling waitress came to their table and wrote her name in red and purple crayon on their white paper tablecloth. “Greta.” Cecile didn’t see the point. Waitresses were actually paid to remember which tables they were serving. Unless Greta was showing the other waitresses not to poach her tips. She thought about asking the man with the beef if it was any good, but you really weren’t supposed to eat beef anymore. Or pork. Or bacon. Which is part of pork, but should really be given its own subgroup. She’d ask Abner what he was having. She’d get the chicken.

* * *

Jan yelled at the dishwashing kid. The dishwashing kid, whose name been could have Josh, but who Jan thought looked dead, and thought of him Osiris, was using too much soap, and not scrubbing hard enough.

“Do you see this? I don’t think you see this. This is shit, and it is stuck to everything that you said you washed. You can smell the shit on the plates you washed. Smell it! Use the other side of the freaking sponge, and scrub until your arm is like the nose of the sphinx! Gone!” Jan used a hammer to crush the steak. He liked using the hammer. He called her Freyja. For he was Thor, come back to bring vengeance with his hammer. He had to start small, of course, with the dead cows. Dead fucking cows. After the hammering, there was marinating in salty fluids, to burn the wounds, and make the blood mix with the teriyaki sauce. He remembered that Rodger the snake told the manager to make Jan wear a beard net. Jan glared at Rodger. Osiris didn’t duck. The teriyaki sauce was terrible, and made Osiris salty and sticky.

“Damnit, don’t you know they come here to eat my beard?” Rodger crawled out the trash door. His beard was divine. Freyja wanted more vengeance.

* * *

Cecile knew the food was going to be late. Greta refilled four glasses, and took the order of two more tables. Her chicken would be cold. Mother always warned about cold dinners. It had been twenty one minutes since they ordered. Abner took his glasses off and looked at his tip calculator. What a silly thing to do before the check gets here. There were five people with chicken now, and two with beef, yet somehow, she still had no dinner. Abner knew he wasn’t supposed to eat fatty foods, but fish didn’t count. She thought that it was probably because fish ate healthy, so they’re healthy to eat. Eskimos were probably healthy, because they ate the good kind of fat. Unless seals are the bad kind. “Abner, are Eskimos terribly healthy?”

“Sure.” Abner kept fiddling with the calculator.

She wasn’t sure if you were supposed to call them Eskimos anymore. Eskimos didn’t have to worry about cold dinners. She wondered if her mother knew that Eskimos had only cold dinners. Two more vegetarians. The woman with the beef didn’t look very happy with it. Cecile wondered if Eskimos ate beef. The cows would get very cold.

* * *

Greta had sprite on her hands. It sparkled in the overhead lights, shining next to the floating ice cubes. Greta needed a shinier, sparklier set of makeup. Her forehead was smooth and reflective. That’s how they knew she was a dancer, her forehead. You can’t dance if you have bangs or acne. She put the drinks on table nine, the old couple looked so grateful that she had come. But they didn’t tip well, so Greta glissaded to table six, where the couple ordered more than one course.

“How was the soup?”

“It was excellent, thanks for recommending it.” The woman seemed to mean it too, extra tip.

Backstage for more sodas for table seven. The kid who washed the dishes was bent over the plates, almost like a grand plié. The dishwashing kid should know better than to move in on her act. On her way to refill the soda glasses she pinched his elbow. The dishwashing kid stopped scrubbing and looked at her. He looked lifeless. Maybe it was because he was always in Jan’s kitchen. Greta refilled the soda, and gave the dishwashing kid a stern look on her way to the stage.

* * *

Jan was Zeus. Jan called on Rodger, his smaller version of Bacchus for his wine. The Valkyries demanded time and food. Could they not see that he was of need of wine? He sent them from him, lest they taste the wrath of his Egyptian plagues. One of the Valkyries had chosen the dishwashing kid for the Elysian Fields, he saw it, she chose him, she pinched him. He was to be a hero forever, and what was Jan to do? He was to rule over the skies and land from his mountain in the clouds. When he struck the dishwashing kid down, he had become Osiris. Not knowing of his own deathly divinity, he had continued with what he had been doing in life, until now, until he had been chosen. But the bardos had not been said. He was to remain in the murky underworld! Cerberus would never let him pass! Jan’s vengeance was dealt. His Bacchus said something about the manager coming. And he knew that it was true; Baba Yaga was on her way.

* * *

The other waitress was trying to get Greta’s tips, she knew it. Greta put the chicken and fish down with a smile, and a quick turn of the head towards the door before turning her body. That way, she wouldn’t run into anyone. That’s why she had the bun, she would never have to clean someone’s food out of her hair at the end of the night, unlike The other waitress, who could never be as graceful as Greta. The other waitress wrote her name on tables with two crayons, when she only needed one. Greta thought that was crass, so she started using three. She Grand Pas’d to her other tables, and back to the kitchen. Barbara the manager was already in there, talking to the wait staff and sampling off the line, a fry, a pickle. Jan almost looked, scared. Greta wanted to laugh. The dishwashing kid obviously snuck out for a minute. She hoped Barbara would see through the little bastard, the faker, the bad impression of Baryshnikov. Greta smiled and re readjusted her apron.

* * *

Cecile wasn’t sure about the chicken. It had blonde hairs on it. Abner ate his fish, picking out the tiny bones every few minutes, raising his eyebrows, and putting the bones in a small pile on the side of his plate. A different waitress asked if their meal was good, but she didn’t stay long. Cecile was going to ask how long ago the chicken was made, and why there were hairs. But the new waitress smiled and smiled, and didn’t seem to listen. Cecile wondered if the staff knew what they were doing, or were just doling out salmonella all willy-nilly. Because that’s how you get salmonella, from cold chicken. Cecile wondered if they knew that you were supposed to have chicken and pork and beef separated. She always separated her meats. You can’t just take chances like that. Abner found another four bones, he found fifteen in all. She wondered if the staff knew about the dangers of swallowing bones. Cecile didn’t want to finish her chicken, but if she didn’t, then the other patrons would want to know why she didn’t finish it, and then she’d have to tell them about the salmonella, and then there would be chaos. You see, she’d say, there is salmonella on my chicken. I do not wish to finish this chicken. And then she’d reassure the other patrons, but if you have beef or vegetables, you’re going to be fine. But if she did get salmonella, and then what would happen to her? Something to do with her spleen. “Abner, what does your spleen do?”

“Makes blood.” Abner said around another fish bone. Sixteen.

* * *

Baba Yaga wouldn’t leave. Her house was clucking for her, but her flying mortar wouldn’t get out of the kitchen. Jan knew she’d curse his beard, he knew it. But that was where his power lay, in his big blonde beard. The bits of food only told a better story of the beard, like the eggs for his trip to raise Helios, and the bones from the puny chickens he feasted on with Loki that afternoon, before the Valkyries came back. She would soon taste the watery trident of Poseidon. Jan stabbed the fish with his trident. Her chicken house was no match for his all powerful trident, able to stir the seas, and send lightning bolts from the ocean’s floor. Osiris was gone a long time, which he should tell someone, but to speak in Baba Yaga’s presence was too dangerous, she may take his voice, and then how would he and his dragon king get back to Xuanpu? Jan needed Osiris to come back, so that he may gloat over his vengeance on him, in the form of his teriyaki stained shirt. Vengeance for Poseidon was as salty as the rock salt, in the sauce, which was from the ocean, land of Poseidon.

* * *

Greta saut de chat’ed to the ladies room. It was empty, giving her time to look at herself in the lights, instead of crouching in a stall with a compact. Her shirt had bits of rice stuck to it, and her black pants had gravy around the ankle. Her apron was still perfect, she smoothed it again, re retying it.

The old woman with the chicken kept asking something about hair. Greta smiled and stroked her bun again. Something clanged backstage, and she dessus’d and petit saut’ed back to the kitchen.

* * *

Cecile knew that Abner didn’t want her bothering anyone, but someone really needed to know about the salmonella, and the hair in her chicken. She decided that instead of waiting around for someone, since the space cadet waitress was of no help, she’d tell someone else. Cecile picked up her pocketbook, and found the kitchen. A cadaverous teenager covered in dried sauce was going in the same door.

“Can you help me? I need to tell someone about the hair in my chicken.”

“Um, I guess so, but you better not tell the chef, he gets pretty mad.”

“Well, who should I tell?”

“I’ll get someone, the manager should be around somewhere.”

“Thank you. Here’s a nickel.”

Cecile waited for a few minutes, and decided to go into the kitchen herself. She knew it was dangerous, but she had already been exposed to the salmonella, and the hair.

* * *

Osiris was back. Jan needed Baba Yaga to see how he had smote the lord of the underworld. But Osiris was talking to Baba Yaga! He was whispering, ah, because he had grown wise in the afterlife, he had learned that the witch cannot steal a whisper. Baba Yaga then turned on Jan, the god king Jove. She was going to curse his beard! He could hear her say the word, he could see her mouth it, Beeeaarrddd. How could Osiris have done this? Undead or no, he had to be smited again. The poker for the pizza oven was two inches to his right. Jove doused it in alcohol, and lit it. The flaming sword of the archangel Michael appeared in Jan’s hands, and he sought his vengeance on the evil lord of the underworld, Osiris, and the witch of the forest, Baba Yaga. He brought the sword down on the undead king god, who fell to the ground in terror. Baba Yaga, fled to her chicken footed house. The Valkyries were stopped, crouched under the counter. They finally had seen his fury. An old woman with a pocketbook full of nickels stepped over the dishwashing kid and said something about Odin’s beard. Odin, the high god of everything stood over his people as the king he was. The dishwashing kid, his true form finally showing, had received a burn on his shirt shoulder. He was now worthy. But the gasping would have to go. Heroes don’t lie on the floor twitching. A Valkyrie, the one with the tight knot of hair pinched the dishwashing kid again. Jan now agreed with her decision. Osiris, formerly known as the Dishwashing kid, was ready for Valhalla.

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